That Ghoul Ava

Yes, I know – I haven’t written a blog post in over a year. Well, that’s not ENTIRELY true -Not counting the things I write for other sites, I’ve started about 20 posts for this blog; I just didn’t finish any, so eat me. You would think not being able to work, go anywhere or do anything would afford me tons of time to write, but the truth is, the pain is usually at levels that would lead most mortals to kill themselves, which means it’s hard for me to tolerate long enough to sit & write something. I mean, I’m sure posts that are made up of nothing but cuss words are amusing the first few times, but after that it’s a rather boring read. And while the morphine does make the pain tolerable, usually anything I’ve written after swallowing a handful of happy pills makes Mad Libs look like Pulitzer Prize material.

You may have heard, but I finally have an orthopedic surgeon that may be able to end at least some (if not close to all ) of my agonizing pain if we’re lucky. However, that does require a rather risky surgery, and like any risky surgery, it requires anesthesiology. And like anything that requires anesthesiology, I might die. *Insert Dramatic Music Here*

Now hold on, stop faking tears – I have no money to leave you, so can the act (however, you can bug my husband – I’ll be leaving him everything because I’m too damn lazy to sort it out). Also, even though we know it’s almost impossible to kill me off, I can’t risk leaving this mortal realm with out making a few people doubt their sanity, or just make them outright uncomfortable. Now, I don’t have much time since I have less than 5 days, so any grandiose plans will have to wait. So with the time and resources currently available, here’s what I have so far: Read the rest of this entry »

A man hurts his elbow somehow. It’s giving him a lot of problems, so he makes an appointment with his doctor. The doctor comes into the room, and listens to the man explain the symptoms. But rather than look at the elbow, he asks him to urinate in a cup. The man is a bit puzzled, but does as he’s ask. The doctor puts the urine in a machine, and a few second later, the screen pops up a diagnosis & treatment:

“Tennis Elbow, minor strain. Aspirin for pain. Keep elevated and activity to a minimum for 2 weeks.”

‘Holy shit!!” the mans says “That’s amazing!!”

‘Yes, said the doctor, ‘it’s a new invention I’m working on. Come back and see me for a follow up in 2 weeks. Bring your urine sample in the specimen cup the nurse will provide.’

So 2 weeks go by, and the man is getting ready to return to the doctor, but he’s really curious on how good this machine is, so he decides to play a little joke: He adds his urine, some from his wife, some from his daughter, some from the family dog, a little motor oil from the car, and finally – he jerks off into it.

He hands the sample to the doctor, who places it into the machine,  which goes nuts.

“What’s wrong, doc?” asks the man, trying to stifle a laugh.

“Well..” the doc finally says, ” Your dog has worms, your car needs a new oil filter, your wife is sleeping with the neighbor, your daughter is pregnant, and if you don’t stop jerking off, that elbow is NEVER going to heal.”

It’s no secret I’ve been sick for awhile now. It’s also secret that no one is 100% sure of what’s wrong with me. It started out with general pain in the upper shoulder and back. Eventually it migrated all over, but different areas would hurt at different times. Then the skin started burning. It became intolerable, but I dealt with it…or at least tried to. Anyone who’s had any moderate amount of pain can understand that it’s hard to do much; when the pain never goes away, and sleep is impossible, well….everything, from walking, to getting dressed, to even getting out of bed, is a huge ordeal.

I’m a tough chick – I don’t go running to the doctor for every little thing. Quite honestly, I try not to go at all. But when the pain became so bad that I would vomit and be in tears, I didn’t know what else to do. I had to do something – that couldn’t continue. I was at work the day it became totally intolerable, and how I managed to get to the ER is beyond me – I don’t remember the trip. In hindsight, I should have asked someone to take me, but I really wasn’t thinking straight. Read the rest of this entry »