The Church Of Bacon

Posted: 26th July 2010 by That Ghoul Ava in Drunk rantings, Offensive shit!, Random Shit

Bacon, oh, bacon! You wonderful thing! You make mankind all rise and sing!

The grease that comes, from your rich loins, are an unequal sum to millions of coins.

Breakfast, lunch, dinner, Teatime, bartime,& late night too! Every meal is a winner & more enjoyable with you!

Wrapped on scallops, or in Korean stew -nothing makes me gallop more than you!

Clogging my arteries and veins with your beautiful juice! You drive me insane – like a bull cut loose!

No matter how filthy you originally are, nor a care for what others think! Bacon is the shining star that kicks the ass of sausage links!!

A common theme in my twitter feed is the awesomeness of bacon. We link pictures of amazing bacon creations, joke about the awesomeness of bacon, and poke fun of our vegetarians friends who don’t know what they’re missing. In short, bacon has provided endless hours of hilarity as well as tasty meals. It hit me one day, in the midst of these bacon tweets, that bacon has almost a cult like status….a GOD like status, if you will. Bacon is an embodiment of Mankind – a harmony of good and evil, a yin & yang existence.

At that point – perhaps because I was feeling a bit silly, or perhaps it was because I was half into a bottle of Gray Goose – it hit me: Bacon needs its own church. A CHURCH OF BACON!!!And so, Pastor Porky donned his robes, and threw open the doors on the the Church Of Bacon. Now I could blow smoke up your ass, and say this is a social experiment, a snarky way to make current event commentary, or a way to poke fun at organized religion – and it might be that, but I assure you: that’s totally an unintentional side effect. I’m really just doing it because I’m an asshole.

As I starting tweeting as Pastor Porky, I did start thinking that this “church” does make more sense than other religions. For example, we KNOW bacon exists. We can touch it, smell it, taste it. There’s no guessing involved, no questioning it’s existence. Bacon TRULY is everywhere! An investment in bacon provides immediate, tangible rewards: you buy a package of bacon, and it’s yours to turn into any hundreds of delicious creations.

Bacon doesn’t ask much from you either. You don’t need to give up other foods, hobbies, time, or carnal delights – hell, I bet sex WITH bacon would be an experience to remember…it has to be called “Makin’ Bacon” for a reason. Bacon doesn’t ask you to give up a weekend morning to worship it, donate time or money, or repress your human urges. All bacon asks is that you clean your plate.

Bacon doesn’t discriminate either. Straight, Gay, Female, Male, Transgendered….bacon doesn’t care what you are, and it doesn’t care what hole you stick your bacon in, as long as you enjoy it.  You won’t find Baconites gunning down an abortion clinic, or blowing up a busload of vegetarians -  you won’t find that kind of anger in anyone that eats bacon. Find me a religion that has that kind of tolerance.

And like all religions, too much bacon can be bad. But unlike scare tactics of other religions that can’t be verified, such as eternal damnation, or a stint in Hell or a Twilight Movie Marathon, the side effects of abuse of bacon are very tangible: high cholesterol, heart attacks, obesity….if only other religions has such deterrents to worshiping responsibility!

Silliness, I know. Worshiping bacon – how absurd! But when you start to compare it to how other religions are interpreted….it’s scary that it doesn’t seem so silly. Now, who wants to take bets on how many religious nut jobs send me hate mail for this?

  1. [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Jenn AKA- Kaylex, Elizabeth, Elizabeth, Pastor Porky, Pastor Porky and others. Pastor Porky said: RT @That_Ghoul_Ava: New That Ghoul Ava post: The Church of Bacon!! RT it or be branded a heretic!!! http://bit.ly/cGwndS [...]

  2. Marianne says:

    Protip:

    Lay raw bacon out on a broiler pan.
    Lay a fairly solid layer of brown sugar on top of the bacon.
    Cook in the oven at 350 until it’s at your preferred level of done-ness and the brown sugar has melted into an ooey gooey mess.
    Mouthgasm.

    I’m totally going to crumble and use it as the middle layer of a cake some time Real Soon Now ™, at least as soon as I can quit eating it straight off the pan.

    (Can I be an official member nao too?)