My big list of shit that pisses me off.

Posted: 26th October 2010 by That Ghoul Ava in Drunk rantings

Lots of things piss me off. I mean LOTS. But rather than just be as brief as to say EVERYTHING pisses me off, I’ve decided to let the people of the internet know exactly what pisses me off….one thing at a time.

1) Clamshell packaging. You know what this is. That hard plastic packaging that can’t be removed by any normal human being unless equipped with a plasma torch and a jackhammer. While one could argue the enjoyment you get out of stripping away flesh and nails to retrieve your purchase, I only like it when it happens to OTHER people.

2) Juice with pulp. Ugh – yuck. If I wanted a god damn piece of fruit, I would have eaten a god damn piece of fruit. I want a glass of JUICE, not a glass of juice and orange bits. I DON’T LIKE SHIT FLOATING IN MY DRINK.

3) Vegans. Yes, we get it: You’re better than us meat eating, knuckle dragging neanderthals. Feel free to sit on your organic bean bag chair, shake from malnutrition in the corner while you drink your soy tofu weed smoothie & insult us. In the mean time, I’m going enjoy this ham and bacon sandwich because I understand humans didn’t climb to the top of the food chain to eat a god damn salad.

4) Road construction. Seriously – wtf? If I had a job that was going to disrupt the lives of 1000s of people on a daily basis, but I took my sweet ass time, I would out on my unemployed ass.There’s HOW many millions of people looking for jobs, and you can’t run 24/7 to finish this? As much as I’m sure we all enjoy a 1.5 hour, 34 mile commute, we would LOVE it if you finished quicker. Oh and to whoever thought it was a good idea to work on EVERY SINGLE GOD DAMN EXPRESSWAY in a major metropolitan area all at once? Fuck you.

5) Idiots that sit in a light controlled left turn lane and don’t pay attention. If you’re at a major intersection, and in a turn lane, maybe that’s not the time to check your facebook page. Nothing like having you realize it’s time to go as the light turns yellow and the 20 of us behind you get to wait another ten minutes. You had better hope I don’t see you at the next light, or you’ll be using your sphincter muscles next time you need to dial.

6) Cigarette cellophane wrapping. I don’t smoke, but I live with someone who does. And even if he manages to throw that wrapping in the trash, it finds its way out. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that the wrapper was actually a government developed organism – only the government could make something this annoying. It’s capable of finding it’s way in and out of the smallest areas, escaping from enclosed containers, and attaching itself to your foot, where upon no amount of shaking will remove it until you bend down and strip it off…and it becomes attached to your hand. FUCK.

7) Spaztastic fuckwits who are incapable of having a discussion. You know these tools. You work with them, or you see them on the internet. They assume every comment or question is a personal dig, and any difference of opinion is roughly translated into “OMG YOU’RE AN IDIOT AND I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU”. Forget ever having a discussion with these asshats – you don’t dare even speak, lest a casual “Nice day, isn’t it?” be taken as a fat joke or Yo Momma insult. The only reason to actually interact with people like this is to take bets on whether they’ll kill themselves, or end up on a clock tower with a high powered rifle.

8 ) People who let their kids sell things outside the store. This has to be the most underhanded trick ever. I just want a fucking cup of coffee, but in order to get it, I have to walk past little Johnny, selling shitty candy to help raise money for the T-ball team. God forbid you say ‘no’ – then you have to deal with the guilt, little Johnny’s look of disappointment, and look like an ass for not forking over a dollar in front of everyone else. I get enough guilt at home and the office, I don’t need it before I even get there!!

9) The Sock Monster in my Dryer. I really think the first person that explains the Quantum Law Of Socks will get a Nobel prize. You put in 3 pairs of socks, you pull out 4 socks, and NONE OF THEM MATCH!!! I must have 2 laundry baskets in my laundry room full of socks I can’t find a match for. Every year or so, I just say ‘fuck it”, throw them out, and buy all new socks. And then they disappear. I’m starting to think I should be able to file laundry as “gambling losses” on my taxes.

10) Born Again Christians. These people are the absolute worst. I have no issues with people being religious,and their beliefs, provided they don’t judge me on my lack thereof. What I DO have a problem with is people who have “rediscovered God” now believing it’s their personal mission to help us ‘find’ Him as well. I can do without these people trying to shove religion down my throat, and I can certainly do without their smug sense of entitlement because they’re ‘saved’ and I’m going to hell. Believe what you want to believe, but until you can prove all this shit you’re spewing, you’re just some person who thinks they’re better because they have the cooler imaginary friend.

Obviously, this is by no means a complete list – not even close. I think this is going to be one of those on going posts I’ll update ten at time every few weeks. So please – let me know what pisses you off. Maybe once I’m done I’ll compile a book comprised of nothing but shit that pisses us off, sell millions of copies and retire on a private island with a tan man servant and a team of midget house slaves.

WHAT PISSES YOU OFF?

  1. Mike & Ike says:

    Anyone who calls themselves a Belieber and MEANS it!

  2. Rezznul says:

    Crossing guards who feel that they can hold up traffic so Little Johnny doesn’t have to slow down one bit to cross the street. Sure, I can wait while they’re half a block away, I don’t have anything to do, just like you!

  3. ANNA says:

    i DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY THERE IS BRAIL ON A DRIVE THROUGH ATM MACHINE.