I hate this fucking holiday. What the hell is the god damn fascination with Christmas? Oh joy – a time to spend money I don’t have on people I don’t like! WHAT A GREAT FUCKING IDEA! Look – I hate Christmas. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE. Oh sure, we get a few extra days off work but I would happily trade those if we could get this torturous holiday banned. And yes – I am drunk. HEY KIDS – GUESS WHAT I’M GONNA DO? THAT’S RIGHT – BITCH INCESSANTLY!
First off, let’s debunk some holiday reasoning and myths. Maybe with a little luck, you’ll start hating it too. If enough people hate it, maybe some whack job like Glenn Beck will help brain wash the rest of America, ride the coattails of popularity and we’ll get this removed from the calendar.
1) WE’RE CELEBRATING THE BIRFFDAY OF BABY JEBUS: The fuck you are. You’re celebrating the Winter Solstice. Until someone shows me Jesus’s birth certificate, the only thing your celebrating is is Christianity’s largest brainwashing – subjugating the pagans by covering up their holiday with this one. Hey!! Can we send Happy Bonfire Day cards if I tell you Jesus healed his first burn victim on April 20th?
2) IT”S THE SEASON OF GIVING! Giving what? Ulcers? Why do we have to give gifts to anyone? Because 3 supposed wise men came bearing gifts for Jesus? If they were so fucking wise, why the hell were they out wandering in the god damn desert in the middle of the fucking night carrying anything of value? They probably robbed a caravan, got fucking lost and tried to hide in a barn where, inconveniently, some bitch was having a baby. That wasn’t a gift – that was an alibi.
So now, I have to give people gifts. Because it’s expected. It doesn’t matter how much I HATE you or how much you HAVEN’T done for anyone; I have to drag my fat ass to the mall, get crammed in a crowd like a heard of cattle elbowing each other, trying not to vomit from the reek of sweat & cheap perfume, and hope to god I can get out of there before I kill every fucking one of them. If it wasn’t for online shopping, you people would get the same thing from me every year: Disappointment.
3) IT’S A TIME TO SPEND WITH FAMILY! Have you MET my family? I’ll clue you in – I’M THE INTELLIGENT, QUIET ONE. The only thing my mother’s family hates more than blacks & non-designer clothes is each other, and they’re a perfect example of what happens when people with more money than brains are allowed to breed. If you cross the Sopranos with one of the Alien creatures, that’s my family. So forgive me if I don’t want to spend an evening drowning in passive aggressive, judgmental bullshit and having the delicious irony be lost on them. The only small amount of enjoyment I get are the comments on how I’m torturing myself by avoiding them. Yes, I’m having a horrible time, surround by friends, copious amounts of alcohol, cheesy jokes, dirty one liners and crappy horror movies. The great things about friends is you choose them, where, unlike family, you’re stuck with thanks to this whole DNA crap. If I wanted to torture myself for an evening, I would go slam my tits in a drawer a few hundred times – at least that way I don’t have to put on pants.
4) IT’S A FESTIVE TIME! Festive? FESTIVE MY ASS! If I go to the store to buy some blood mixture for Halloween, and there’s already Christmas decorations out, that’s not festive – that’s nauseating. Sure, it would be fucking beautiful if I didn’t have to stare at this shit for 6 months out of the year.
So sing your stupid carols, watch “it’s a Wonderful Life” for the 416th time, give expensive gifts to people and enjoy the socks you get in return. I’m opening a bottle of wine, going to watch Return of the Living Dead with my friends, and then we’re putting Halloween Decorations up.
Go choke on a yule log.