This post sucked, so I made remade it in 3D.

Posted: 23rd May 2010 by That Ghoul Ava in Horror

Actually I have no idea how to make a post in 3D, so if you could do me a favor, & rock back and forth in your chair so the monitor gets closer to your face, that would be swell. Hey, it’s more immersive and has more thought in it than what the movie industry is shoving down your throat lately, right?

I don’t know about you, but I am beyond sick of all the remakes lately, and worse, all the remakes with 3D tacked on. The web is abuzz of horror fans and bloggers about how this is insulting, and the movies just keep coming. So apparently the big ticket studios don’t want to listen to the people with a voice in horror, maybe they’ll listen to Jane fuck Nobody. Yeah I know – I doubt it too.

let me start by saying I can understand why remaking old movies like the Wolfman or such might be attractive. People around my age group didn’t get to experience the original in theaters. But why are there remakes for Friday the 13th? Nightmare on Elm Street? Prom Night? It’s Alive? Piranha? Last House on the Left? That’s just a naming a few. Let’s not forget the proposed list of remakes, like Hellraiser, Child’s Play, The Gate, People under the Stairs, Army of Darkness….the list goes on. And the question begs: WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING THIS? I want to believe that some simply want to update classic or cult movies, but here’s why that’s just fucking wrong:

1) Most of these movies arnt that old. We grew up with these things. We loved them. Even younger kids in their early 20s and teens know these movies. We’ve seen them a 100 times, discussed them at great lengths, and they define our horror as we know it. What EXACTLY are you trying to do? It’s not needed.

2) Trying to “re-imagine” (or whatever your fucking buzzword is this month) doesn’t work when you ignore everything that made the movie great. Adding copious amounts of gore, CGI and a Michael Bay BLOW IT ALL UP approach does not make it better. You seem to completely ignore subtle dialogue, the depth, the atmosphere and the way effects were done to make a movie a classic. When you fail to capture these things, as the originals did so brilliantly (that’s why they’re CLASSICS! HELLO?), you basically insult your audience and horror genre fans everywhere. Remaking a movie for a target audience of  emo, ritalin laced teens will accomplish nothing, as they’ll forget these unremarkable attempts as soon as they leave the theater. Maybe that’s why the second week of running for these films bring in atrocious numbers? Yup – because it wasn’t worth talking about.

I look at movies like AoD, Attack of the Killer Tomatos and Piranha that are being remade, and I get angry. Do the people funding these movies not realize WHY these were classics? They were good, campy fun. You remake it, with better effect and budget, you’re missing the whole god damn point of why they’re loved so much. You might as well carry around a giant sign that says “I really don’t understand these movies but I bet I can cash in on it”.

CGI does not make a movie better. It can, if done right…but most are still struggling with that. It pains me to say this, but do you know WHY the Star Wars prequels weren’t that good? They lacked the character of the originals. Masks and models had way more personality. If you don’t believe me, check out a little charmer called Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer. Great flick, no CGI, no multi million dollar budget, but a great story with great characters. Effects only carry a movie so far. Which brings me to my next point…

3) Crap in 3D is still crap. Really, what is this shit? At first I thought I was biased, because I lack depth perception and can’t see 3D, but then I realized it gave me a better perspective – I HAVE to concentrate on the story. Which sucked ass, because most of these movies lack one, or mangle it so bad they miss the entire point. And the 3D apparently doesn’t add much, as pretty much everyone I know that CAN see it, hates it as well.

My Bloody Valentine 3D

In years past, a character would throw a fork. Now a days, the fork is CGI rendered, the camera will swing around Matrix style, and follow its path in slow motion until it reaches it’s target & explodes. WOW THAT WOULD BE TOTALLY WORTH IT!!! Oh wait- no it wouldn’t. Take the absurd amount of money you piss away on stupid, pointless crap like that, and re-invest it in the story. If your movie has no redeeming quality other than 3D effects, maybe you should reconsider why you’re making it. Don’t waste our time & money rehashing shit that was done right the first time, only to take a giant steaming shit on movies we love.

4) These movies are dear to us because they were new concepts. Something shocking. Something scary. So quit fucking around with what was done already and GIVE US SOMETHING NEW. There’s thousands of indie/small budget horror movie makers out there that understand their audience and have fresh new ideas. Go look at any horror blog and see how many small budget reviews there are, and the buzz surrounding them. Then look how long people discuss the latest 3D remake. I’ll give you a hint – the remakes are torn apart and forgotten. You want to make money, support the people with fresh ideas. I’m sure one of them could be your next Sam Raimi. Go watch Evil Dead if you think his first movie was Spiderman.

There’s just no excuse for this crap. People are tightening their belts and watching their finances. You continue to come out with garbage like this, people will stop paying for it, especially in lieu of raising ticket prices. Most I know stopped even bothering to go see the lastest 3D remake travesty, and wait for the professional reviewers to tear it apart. Some wait for DVD or rental. And others just flat out refuse to pay for & support it, and will happily find a pirated copy to distribute around. I’m not advocating piracy, but I am saying we need to stop throwing money at the people responsible for this. Don’t go see this shit. Don’t rent it. Don’t buy the DVD. Wait until it’s on cable, or borrow it from some jackass that actually paid money for it.

In the mean time, we’ll continue to watch the originals and place bets on what classic you’ll squat on next.

Fuck You, Hollywood.
  1. ReelyBored says:

    Haha! Finally someone that agrees with me! I hate the fact that they make these re-makes, excuse, re-imaginations, which is just another word for I have no fucking ideas so I’m just going to steal ‘em!

    And yes, what is it with all these 3-D movies! A gimmick! that’s all lit is. A gimmick to get all these teeny boppers through the door and make some moola ($$$) Hollywood= sellout!

  2. Spazmoose says:

    Ava, you hit the big bloody nail on the head here with a 10-pound mallet. It is exactly these reasons why I gave up on going to theaters in general (this coming from someone who use to work at a theater for crap pay, just because he liked seeing movies for free).

    It is about time that true movie lovers (not only the horror movie buffs) stand up and give a good ol’ FU to Hollywood for their overly CG, lame 3D, plotless, pointless, and otherwise worthless movies.

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