An open letter to Out-of-State drivers in Chicagoland

Posted: 7th June 2011 by That Ghoul Ava in Drunk rantings

What the hell is WRONG with you? No, seriously….do other states just rubber stamp your driver’s license? How is it that many of you seem to lack the basic principles of expressway driving? Or is there some sort of cosmic field that wipes your memory when you cross the Illinois State Line? I’m sure you’re quite baffled in regards to what I’m talking about, so I’ll discuss a few things you need to know for successful Chicago land driving. If you can’t do these things, I highly suggest you avoid the expressways in and around Chicago land….otherwise someone is going to kill you.

1) The Speed Limit: Yes, I know the sign says 55. If there’s no cops around, it’s merely a suggestion. Take a look around you….see how fast the other drivers are going? That’s the speed limit. Keep up, or get the fuck off the expressway.

2)  Left Hand Lane usage: This goes with the speed limit thing. The left hand lane is for PASSING. If you are not passing anyone, and people are passing YOU on the right, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THAT LANE. Also, if you refuse to go over the speed limit, you have NO BUSINESS in any lane but the one farthest to the right. There’s a few other things in regards to lane usage you should pay attention to:

  • If you look up in your rearview mirror, and you see a line of cars behind you, and the first car is about 3 inches off your bumper, you are holding everyone up. Either speed the hell up, or get the hell out of the lane.
  • If you are going the same speed as the cars to the right of you, you are blocking others from passing your slow ass. FUCKING MOVE OVER.

3)  High Speed Merging: All of the expressways in Chicago merge at one point with major roadways or other expressways. If you can’t do this, or do this at high speeds….stay off the expressways. Merging etiquette follows the ‘Zipper” technique, therefor can be done at 80 mph. You DO know how a zipper works, right? Well, ok, maybe not you people from Wisconsin, so I’ll explain:

Is this concept REALLY that fucking hard?

Think of each zipper tooth as a car. Notice how when you zip up, each is spaced to allow a tooth in front and back of it? How they merge as ‘left, right, left, right’ etc? SAME FUCKING CONCEPT. If a lane is merging into yours, you allow enough space in front of you for a car to get in. The car behind you does the same, and so on. IT WORKS GREAT. If YOU are the one merging, don’t ride the ass of the car in front of you, and try to force yourself in.  Leave a car length in between you and the car in front of you AND MERGE LIKE A FUCKING ZIPPER. IT’S NOT HARD.

Also, when lanes are reducing (either by design or construction) and one lane has to merge into another, don’t drive your stupid ass all the way up the ending lane and then try to squeeze in at the last minute. And don’t tell me you do it because the other lane is going SOOOO SLOW. It’s going slow because of fucking retards like you that try to squeeze in 5 at a time at the last minute

4) The ON Ramps: Ramps are a really simple concept. They allow different levels of roadways to connect to each other. As the name implies, you should “ramp’ up your speed to match the speed of the road you are getting on. You do NOT creep down a ramp at 30 mph, stop at the end of the ramp, or attempt to merge into traffic at anything less than 55 mph, unless you want some company in your shitty front seat. And as a side note, check your mirrors before you merge on, don’t just cut your happy, oblivious, slow ass into traffic. If you don’t cause an accident, someone will run your dumb ass off the road sooner or later.

5) Don’t rubberneck: I’ll admit, this goes for some chucklekfucks here in Chicago as well. If you see an accident, or a cop pulling someone over, you REALLY don’t need to slow down and look, especially if it’s not even on your god damn side of the expressway. You’ve seen cops before. You’ve seen accidents before. If you really want to see them that bad, go home, and search your hearts content on the internet. It has ALL KINDS of pictures of that crap, and you can stare at it as long as you like.

6) Learn to Drive in the fucking rain and snow: I can understand slowing down for torrential rain, or a blizzard, but if you’re driving 30 mph because of flurries or a drizzle….GET OFF THE EXPRESSWAY. I find it really hard to believe that it only rains or snows in Chicago, and you’ve NEVER seen this shit before and don’t know what to do. If you’re that paranoid, there’s plenty of side streets you can take, rather than slow down the people that have seen this kind of thing before. To be fair, there’s people that have lived here all their life that still do this, so I’m assuming their excuse is  that they’re simply retarded.

That’s the basics, people.  Life moves fast here, and so do the drivers. If you can’t adapt or deal with it, don’t drive here. Take a train. Take a bus. Fucking walk for all I care – just don’t do it on the damn expressway.

 

 

 

  1. koalabear says:

    And here I thought people were bad in Southern CA. Down here it is usually the AZ and OR drivers.

    AZ has some sort of an excuse though. They get their license handed to them at 16 and never have to renew it again.

  2. *snickers* I so don’t miss my commute from Chicago into the ‘burbs and no longer having to deal with that crap now that I moved back into suburbia.

    You should print up a set of stickers or magnets that link to this post and put it on their cars. Make sure they open the website and after done reading it …. bathe in their blood.

  3. Bill says:

    You mad broette?

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