Yes, I know – I haven’t written a blog post in over a year. Well, that’s not ENTIRELY true -Not counting the things I write for other sites, I’ve started about 20 posts for this blog; I just didn’t finish any, so eat me. You would think not being able to work, go anywhere or do anything would afford me tons of time to write, but the truth is, the pain is usually at levels that would lead most mortals to kill themselves, which means it’s hard for me to tolerate long enough to sit & write something. I mean, I’m sure posts that are made up of nothing but cuss words are amusing the first few times, but after that it’s a rather boring read. And while the morphine does make the pain tolerable, usually anything I’ve written after swallowing a handful of happy pills makes Mad Libs look like Pulitzer Prize material.
You may have heard, but I finally have an orthopedic surgeon that may be able to end at least some (if not close to all ) of my agonizing pain if we’re lucky. However, that does require a rather risky surgery, and like any risky surgery, it requires anesthesiology. And like anything that requires anesthesiology, I might die. *Insert Dramatic Music Here*
Now hold on, stop faking tears – I have no money to leave you, so can the act (however, you can bug my husband – I’ll be leaving him everything because I’m too damn lazy to sort it out). Also, even though we know it’s almost impossible to kill me off, I can’t risk leaving this mortal realm with out making a few people doubt their sanity, or just make them outright uncomfortable. Now, I don’t have much time since I have less than 5 days, so any grandiose plans will have to wait. So with the time and resources currently available, here’s what I have so far:
1) Put vanilla pudding in a empty Mayo jar. Walk around supermarket and eat with spoon.
2) Write ‘Life” in big black letters with a marker on a white tshirt & put it on. Hand out lemons on the corner of Schamburg & Roselle road.
3) Run into the Starbucks down the street during the morning rush & ask what year it is. When someone answers, yell “Holy SHIT it WORKED!!!!” and run out.
4) Fill empty Windex bottle with blue raspberry koolaid. Walk around park spraying it into my mouth.
5) Mush up a few Chocolate bars with nuts & other lumpy things. Leave on lawn. Wait until I see my nosy old neighbors outside, pretend to take a walk, say “Damn these irresponsible dog owners” and eat it.
6) Wrap semi-full garbage bags in sheets. Tape them up to look like it contains a body. Carry to curb on garbage day, hit with shovel, spit on it, and yell “Bet you regret asking what I would do if you didn’t put the toilet seat down now, don’t you asshole?!” and go back inside.
7) Have him drive me past adult bookstores, then honk & wave at a random person in the parking lot. Now they have to worry & wonder who the fuck saw them there.
8) The morning of surgery while filling out paperwork, continually look in purse. After about ten minutes, say ‘excuse me”, open purse up and very firmly say “Shut UP or I’ll give you back to the lab!“. Go back to paperwork.
There’s a ton of more fucked & obnoxious shit I want to do, but I need more time and a functioning body. So if this surgery goes well, I’ll finish part 2 of the obnoxious crap I like to do. So wish me luck, the surgery is August 15th. If all goes well, I might even finish some of those other blogs I started – even the one made up of different variations of the work ‘fuck’ – that one was my favorite.